| People say I'm a controversial comedian. Not because I say raucous or outrageous things but because I never say anything funny. I can eat all I want and never get fat. Y'know because I'm already fat. I'm so broke I don't even have the time of day. I like to see what time it is, but time keeps moving so it keeps me interested and I never get anything done. Horses never appear in my dreams so I don't have night mares. I'm a mad scientist because I'm not good at science. I'm as poor as an open door. I will never understand how board games entertain people. I'm not a poet. I'm a poeman. I don't make excuses, I just use them. I'm too responsible to loose weight. I can roll my eyes in the back of my head if I get hit get hard enough. The last time my bowl acted up I saw a clog shoe driving a chimney down the broccoli wheat boot. I'm the heppest cat to ever walk this walkway jack, and you better believe that. Instead of being interesting I'm just resting. I swallow my pride for lunch because it always fills me up. I'm not prejudice, I'm against everybody. Free entertainment doesn't get any better than me, which makes you realize how crappy free entertainment is. I'm better than the best. That's right I'm better than me! I'm the happiest madman alive. I'm not fast asleep. I can never outsmart anyone because they're always too stupid to figure out that I'm out smarting them. I recently learned how to spell piano. It's P & O. I don't have to pick my nose, I only have one. If I were fatter I could be the heavy weight champion of the world. People say I'm kinda good looking. The kind they don't want to look at. I'm as hot as a bon fire & twice as attractive. I take pride in being the number one biggest waste of potential there is because if i used that potential I wouldn't be number 1 anymore. I'm too big to get caught. I like to fill in awkward silences. Still awkward but no silence. I was born at lunch time. Coincidence? I became a tree hugger not because I am an environmentalist but because I am so lonely & they are the only ones who'll hug me. I'm not at a loss for words. I'm at a loss for sentences. People think I am prideful but I am actually so humble that I never show how humble I am. I'm always on time because anytime is time. I'd hate to be water because that means I'd have to run. I don't take blame I just give it. If i had to eat a fly & i had a choice it would definitely be a butterfly. I once interviewed an inmate for a newspaper but they didn't run the article because it was all con text. I've never noticed that rail & sink rhyme. I'm a lucky guy. Yep a lot of bad luck. If I had a store in Florida & a hurricane hit. The next day I'd have a blow out sale. Everything that blew out the store is on sale. Paul is a nice guy even though I don't know his name. Tables have always been a favorite placing objects platform for me. I'm afraid of lemonade. Lemons are sour enough without aide. I'll be a sky diver until I hit the ground. The award I would like to get would give me money. It would be called the free money award for idiots.. & I'd be the first non-idiot to win it. I can do a ventriloquist act without the ventriloquist because I am a dummy. I'm glad I was raised when I was a kid because I'd be hard to lift up now. If someone put a heavy hat on my head I'd be ready for take off. The entire world is my stage except for that one city in Michigan which is under water. I think it is called Lake, Michigan. I'm going to come up with a new product called a Bisicle. It is like a Popsicle with two flavors. I'm better at being smart than I am at sounding smart. The ladies stick to me like magnets. Lady mosquitoes that is. Everybody likes me.. except jerks & scum. Perhaps if I didn't call them that they would like me too. There are a lot of things wrong with me. One thing that stands out is that I really really really need to start using a thesaurus. I don't smoke instead I sweat because I'm a man not a machine although I still have gas. I could have like a break room. Not a room to take a rest but a room to break things because I'm so mad. The great thing about rain is that I can urinate & nobody would even know. I saw a sign that said "Slow Children at Play" I was like "Man I ain't no child! .. but I am slow." I don't want to be afraid I want to be the fraid. My phone always says to me "I get the message" My watch thinks I'm a pervert because I'm always looking at it. My jacket is cool which is a bad thing because jackets are supposed to be warm. My heart races but it never wins and both are because I'm out of shape. I'll never forget the day I was born yet I don't remember it at all. I get orange & yellow mixed up. I get two & three mixed up three. I'm full of surprises, otherwise known as food. I walked by a sign that said "Slow 15 miles an hour" & I was like "Slow?! I can't go that fast to begin with!" I've never broken my leg before but one time a baseball bat did. I'm not rebelling it is normal to be bad. I may not be smart but I'm smart enough to act smart & act enough to smart smart.. I'm dumb. I don't run red lights I drive through them. I'm old enough to feel young again. This is as close as I can get to far away. I'm not a movie buff because DVDs are shiny enough already. I lock my keys in my car when I'm driving. I'm off my rocker because I'm standing up. I like my music to be reel low so I can get it into the boat easier. I only buy things like me.. cheap. I don't mumble I just breathe creatively. Sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I wonder if I really was bitten by that vampire. Beans always fill up my gas tank. I never cry over spilt milk. I always cry under spilt milk because that means the milk spilt on me. No one ever knows I'm hungry because I always look full. Technically I never eat dinner I only eat Breakfast & lunch but at odd times during the day. If that is how the food mill works. I had a baby face but it grew up. I'm as weak as a month. Yeah like four times weak. I've got a photographic memory & it's on my digital camera. I spent hours & hours looking. I found it to be in the most obvious place. It was in my line of sight. I'll get you & it'll be the last thing you do. With my beard people say I look 5 years older. Without my beard people call me a baby face which means I look 20 years younger. People never get mad at me when I cut the cheese because I always share it afterward. Every time I use scissors I get a paper cut. I'm not quite as sharp as I used to be which is good because I used to get cut a lot. My Stomach sank because I ate too much. Going to two different buffets in one night would make my life complete because it would kill me. I'm broke because I've got no money to fix it. If I grew up would it grow up? I have a big heart because it is full of cholesterol. I view every food item purchased as a life decision because I could choke on it. I'm a fat guy and I've got 250 reasons why I am. When I ate seafood last week I pulled a mussel. Steak house? Sounds more like a tent to me. Is it just me or am I the only one sitting down? I don't think I could stand it if I had to sit down. I wish my watch would tell me what time it is but I always have to read it. I got this Christmas Present last year.. well I guess it would be called a Christmas past now.. I tried to spend my gas money the other day but they wouldn't take it. They're all like "I can't see it." If these walls could talk I would move. Seems like I've been learning patience for a long time... |
Aries C
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